Urgh...Sob
"Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also." - Matthew 5:38-40I didn't expect that the lesson of meekness is so hard to learn. That, when one misunderstands you, you just have to bear it.
I've tried many times to explain to him why we broke up, yet till now he still blames me. What more can I do? He doesn't see the hand of God in this matter, perhaps only thinking about how hurt he feels. He didn't see that this relationship dishonours God and hence separation is necessary. He still dwells on how hurt he feels, how "shortchanged" he is...
I've tried explaining. I've tried swallowing my pride and accept whatever he said to me 2 thursdays ago, because I don't want to argue anymore and make it any more worse. Though we went home "in peace" and not in a huff, the next time I see him he's back to his bitter mode. I wish he hadn't said that he has "forgiven" or had that conversation 2 thursdays ago. At least I would not bear the false hope that we've taken a step towards civility.
It's hard to bear when he blames me for his condition now. Though I know that I did nothing wrong in choosing to break up, and though everyone will tell both him and me that it's no longer my fault, he still continues to imply/directly point his finger at me. His bitterness spills over to other areas of his/my life and I don't know how much more of his accusations can I take.
It feels terrible being misunderstood. He still cannot see my decision to break up as one that is made with much pain. Perhaps he thinks I'm dumping him out of my whims and fancies, and he hasn't heard a word of what I explained. And now I am made to feel as though I am to blame for his backsliding and reclusiveness.
I've come to a point where I've done all I could. Swallow my pride, put on a smile, whatever. I've come to a point any more explanations is futile and repetitive. I've come to a point I can only cry to God to vindicate me. And I know it may not be any time soon, or perhaps only in eternity, when he sees God in the judgement throne then God will let him understand. I just know I'm suppose to be meek now. And I pray that God will carry me through. Every trial is an opportunity to conform to the image of Christ. That's a well-spoken encouragement by one sister-in-Christ. For Christ Himself has suffered more dire accusations before. It's not impossible to do, being meek. I just need plenty of graces from God to carry me through.
When I said that 01.08.08 is the day I start to grow up, I didn't know - and still don't know - what sort of lessons comes with this growing-up.
Sigh.