New Year Post
As usual, my new year post is always delayed. I suppose I'm not someone who sits and contemplates new year resolutions on the 31st of December every year. It comes to me when I already stepped into the new year, embracing the changes and seeing the world around me move forward. Then my mindset will follow it.What can I say about 2008? It's the year I turned 21, a milestone set by whoever to mark your step into adulthood. How true - for it is this year that I learnt a great life lesson that brought me to another level of maturity (really?) and self discovery.
The beginning of 2008 was pretty dull. The usual schooling, except my birthday bbq planning towards the end of the semester. Then came my birthday, and one of the most wonderful and thoughtful gift I received is the telescope from elf . Lots of money and effort and thoughts on his part. And, also, a gift that caused my many moments of sighs and regrets even now.
And then the separation - perhaps the most painful experience I have yet. And on my adulthood milestone too... I experienced an emotional turmoil I never did before - not even that "emo" period during secondary 4 when my rebellious nature was suppressed by God and brought me to personal knowledge of Him. No - this pain digs deeper into the heart, and with the separation the tearing away of a part of my heart. "The wounds will never go away...", I recall from a previous testimony (here).
Shama said the breakup will make me realise what I really want in a relationship. And it's true. I know what my weakness is now, and what I don't wish to see in a relationship. I know what I want in a man and what sort of man can I submit to as a wife. I know how un-ready I am to be committed in a relationship, and what are my shortcomings. I know what needs to be done in a relationship, before and during. And the most important lesson I learnt from God is to wait upon Him, and not to sin adamently during the course of the relationship. I learnt, with sorrow, that sin brings forth only bad fruit. Before we both realise it, God decided that we've displeased Him enough.
The post separation period was hard. The road to recovery was tough. I soon fell into escapism in what seems a harmless recreation - movies. The addiction for catharsis and escape brought my life and discipline to a halt, and I soon found myself in a heap of mess - missed deadlines, sloppy assignments, slothfulness in the work of God. Even the sweet devotion time with the Lord every night was sacrificed, and I walked further and further away from my Shepherd.
People often ask how do I know God exists. I know because He does. And at that stage of my life I felt His presence the most. Though I escaped from Him He never left me. His presence was ever so real. In my self inflicted melancholy I felt His frowning countenance, and His loving hand. He knew exactly when do I need afflictions and reminders, and He knew when exactly do I need encouragement and comfort. He gave me problems that forced me to pray and realise my utter helplessness. He gave me hymns and bible verses that reminded me of how much I used to love Him. How do I know He's real? Because He's my heavenly Father. "The wounds will never go away, but somehow there's this balm that smoothens all the rough and jagged ends."
And so slowly I recovered, and very recently too. The church camp this year could be the mark of my decisivness to return to Him and aim to serve Him with all my heart again. I'm still trudging back to be in step with Him, but now I'm filled with joy more than my earthly sorrow. I look back at the relationship, knowing full well that we both caused our own demise by our adament sin. We both caused our own death by not basing this relationship on God. I pray for God's forgiveness, and I thank Him for separating us before we walk the path of no return.
I thank God for preserving my parents thus far. My father losed his job twice in 2008, but found another again. I got accepted for an exchange programme to Canada, and I'm praying for God's provision and guidance on that. I pray I'm doing according to His wish and His will, that I may learn and see more and gain experiences that would make me a better person in my 5 month stay there in 2009. But if it should be more of a distraction, and a hinderance to the church's work (already we have so little people), then I pray God may make it clear to me to forfeit this trip.
2009 will see changes in the church as well. Binqiang and Felicia will be married, hence a new stage in life. Hopefully they will be stregthened to greater love and service towards the Lord.
Eliel will be studying and working. Knowing him, he'll overburn himself. Need to pray for him.
Robin will have responsibilities, I pray that he'll grow in love and service towards God.
Shaojuan needs plenty of prayer and encouragement (and a bit of stronger words perhaps?) to wake her up from finding pleasure in this world. I thank God for her constantly pledging allegience to Christ, and I pray that she may overcome her own flesh to love God with all her heart.
Pastor Joseph is busy as usual, hopefully and prayerfully, he may change a job.
Pastor James is hoping to see revival. I pray that it may be the burden of the whole church and our constant prayer. Not for ourselves, but that we may dare to "expect great things from God, attempt great things for God".
As for me, I hope to break out of my fear. The fear of man that so shut my mouth from reaching out to my friends and especially (guiltily) my family. I pray that I may take the first step before I leave for Canada.
Of course, in earthly matters: to pull up my CAPS (God gave me the dip that I deserved, to wake me up from my stupor), to be more prudent with my money, and to be a better daughter and sister at home.
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." - Jeremiah 29:11
Be Thou my vision O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light.
Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou my inheritance now and always
Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou art.